Sigur Ros - Glosoli
Uploaded by Transsmusic
(Please watch the video, and then listen to the song while reading)

A leap of faith. What is preventing me from believing ? What will it take for me to let myself understand that I can do whatever I want ? How will I make myself understand that I can be who I want to be ? What are my beliefs ? What do I believe in ? Do I believe in myself ? Do I believe that one day, I can be who I picture myself to be that day ? Do I have enough faith to surrender myself, to lose control, and believe that I will stand where I wanted to stand ?

What is preventing me from believing but myself ? It is I who holds on to the fear of falling each time I jump, and not onto the hope of jumping higher. I believe that one day I will be who I want to be, the person who will inspire, the person who will open eyes to the light of hope and the light of truth. I believe that one day I will fly, and I will not look upon the things that will hold me down. I believe that one day I will not doubt myself, and I will assure myself that if I want to achieve something, I will achieve something. I believe that one day I will realise that the only thing holding myself back from being myself is me. I believe that that one day is now.

Why do we always look for someone else to do something for us ? Why did we sit back and watch Nelson Mandela end the Apartheid, why do we sit back and wait for someone to eradicate racism ? What is holding us back ? You are the only one who can let yourself change your outlook. I am the only one who can let myself change my outlook. But who are you ? Who am I ? Am I who I believe I am ? Or am I what my beliefs make me ? Or am I the believer ? Or am I the believed ? Am I all of these ? If I am, why can I not believe that I will make the difference ?

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no-one thinks of changing himself."

- Leo Tolstoy

I believe that if everyone changes themselves, the world will change. I believe that one foot forward will propel your whole body. I believe that one man can lead a group, I believe that a group can lead a nation, I believe that a nation can lead a country, and I believe a country can lead a continent, and I believe a continent can lead other continents, and I believe all the continents constitute the world.

I believe that the fear of jumping higher is the only thing to be jumped over. I believe that once you jump, and once you let yourself fall, you will land on your feet. If you don't, you will fall somewhere safe. If you believe, you will fall in God's Palms.

If I believe, I will make my dreams come true.

Ensemble.

I like glue. It fixes things.

A Touch of Madness

"For the Warrior there is no such thing as an impossible love.

He is not intimidated by silence, indifference, or rejection. He knows that behind the mask of ice that people wear, there beats a heart of fire.

This is why the Warrior takes more risks than other people. He is constantly seeking the love of someone, even if that means often having to hear the word "no," returning home defeated and feeling rejected in body and soul.

A Warrior never gives in to fear when he is searching for what he needs. Without love, he is nothing."

-Warrior of the Light.
Paulo Coelho.

Reinvention

Many suns have come and gone since I last tried to discover. Discover myself, discover truths, secrets.

I begin to question myself. I do not have all the answers, but I read in a book: "sometimes, the questions are answers in themselves". Pondering upon the perplexity and the complexity of this statement, I am bewildered. Naturally. Questions demand answers unless they are rhetorical, of course. But, if questions demand answers, and questions already have their answers, then isn't it discovery that a question really requires ? Discovery of the context, the status. And thus, learning. Through discovery, I understand more, I learn more, I am more alert. I observe and constantly inhale knowledge. "How are you ?"

How is this an answer ? I do not know, I have not learnt, but I will try. Learning is neverending. And so every mistake that is made while learning can be corrected in the next lesson: an infinite loop of enhancement and enrichment.

"How are you ?"

If unanswered, in most probability, the mind will soar over to new plains to seek the answer. To seek empathy, for if I empathize, I will understand how the person in context really is. Words can lie. But if there are no words, there can be no lie, and therefore, I am supplied with the answer I really want. Without it being given. I will analyze the person's situation; the events that occupy his mind. I will analyze and assemble the images and produce an answer harmonic to reality. If I do not have sufficient substance to supplement my thought process, I will ask. I will recall circumstances that may reveal new insights, that may reveal new ideas regarding a person's mood. And so, in one simple question, I have answered many. I have made myself more aware of happenings, and I have made myself think. "How are you ?"

Such a maze. Such a beautifully crafted system. Questions. Just questions. So intricately woven, yet they are but a glint in the moonlit ocean. God has gifted these to us. I am Grateful. We are Grateful.

If questions are answers in themselves, are answers essentially questions ?

PS: This short post will be continued if it lies in God's Will.
PPS: This is the 101th post of Insignia and Hours combined. The 100th post was a poem entitled 'Full'. The new layout is thus, a tribute.
PPPS: I have a lot to write about. I may encounter restraints, but I will try to find a way, somehow.

Lost & Found

I have so much to blog about. Let me start off with the last two exams .. let's see, what were they ? Math and Commercial Applications, I think. Wow it was so long ago, I really don't remember much. I remember in Math there was some random complicated VAT sum, which I managed to get the steps of, but made a stupid calculation mistake, and there was a huge fire before Commercial Applications - and I know that it was very long, and the post-board times were fun.



We went to Zabeel and played football - the day the boards got over, it was fun, just fresh air and no worries, I mean there were worries, but I had no actual studies to do, it was almost like freedom.



Birthday parties. The beach trips. All of them, so so awaited, yet they passed so quickly. And things came and went, and days came and went, and Shaun came. And my heart lept in joy, it was separated for so long. I missed him, and we spent time, and we jammed, and we spoke, and we recalled, and we did so many things we haven't done in so long. It felt good.

---

I saved this post as draft. I think it needs to end here. The incompleteness.

The Board Exams of 2008 - 7. History, Civics and Geography 2 AKA Geo.

So it's finally over.

The farming.
The late night slogging.
The maps.
The topos.
The soils.
The physical features.
The commercial and cash crops.
The HEPs.

It's finally over, and I couldn't be more glad. This is one subject I am HAPPY to bid goodbye to. GOODBYE GEOGRAPHY. I don't think there's anything to miss at all. I never had fun during the periods, I never had fun studying it, I never had fun doing my exam, I never had fun getting my paper back ! It was all boring, boring, nonsensical, useless stuff. And now it's gone ! Gone ! Gone, gone, gone ! Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D

Yesterday was torture. I don't know why everything got dragged out and went ever so slowly. One chapter rambled after the other, but at the pace of a mango being shoved down my throat (VERY slow, I hate mangoes). But it eventually got over, and I'm glad. I didn't want it to go on and on and on like some other exams did. History. And then when the exam paper came, I read it, it was okay, I wrote it, it was okay. It was good. I finished JUST on time, not because I was slow, but because I mixed two questions up and then had to redo the ENTIRE question. I attribute that to sleepiness. Not my fault ! It was not that bad, but still.

It's over !!!

And now I (along with the commerce batch) have 10 days of no-board days :D :S

And now I party !

It's almost over. 2 more exams. It's almost over.

Hehe, sorry you science guys :P

The Board Exams of 2008 - 6. History and Civics (HISTORY, CIVICS AND GEOGRAPHY 1)

Wow okay. Yesterday and today was trouble and chaos and confusion and panic. Really, I was supposed to finish a considerable amount of portion during the half day I had, when French got over, which CLEARLY did not happen. I had finished only a chapter. So I made far fetched plans of waking up at 5 in the morning and finishing by around 6 in the evening. Which did NOT, NOT happen. The whole day went by pretty fast, pretty much dissolved in studying, and by aruond 1 o' clock in the morning, I STILL had around 3 chapters. I fell asleep while studying, and woke up at around 3 45, decided to go back to sleep and study when I woke up. Which wasn't too bad, I finished my portion, did a decent revision, and then went and sat for the exam.

Which wasn't bad at all :D I'm so glad all the franticness of studying paid off, it feels good when all that hard work pays off (well technically, mine really wasn't hard work), but still, I really hope the marks reflect what I think I did.

Another 'last exam', I don't think I'll miss History ALL that much, but I'll miss all the lame jokes and all the stuff we used to do in class. Not to mention, the infamous interpretation thanks to SK. All in all, the trouble is gone, but the fun is gone too. I'm hoping that there will be loads of fun in the new things to come in Grade 11.

No more Executive, Legislature, Gandhi's Movements to be mugged up. No more dates ! That's for me, though. The people taking Humanities still have to study it ! I somehow feel a sense of pity swelling up within me =P

Oh another awesome thing that happened was that yesterday, Reshie called me up and told me to look in the Tabloid, where I saw SK in his infamous tongue-out, rock-on pose. Oh and surrounded by girls. I wonder what his mum said 8-) And right underneath that was a part of http://nishantmehrotra.blogspot.com/2008/03/there-and-back-again.html, "There and Back Again", my blog post about Desert Rock. Both these things surprised me, but what surprised me MORE, was that both were there at the same time ! I mean, what are the chances of someone you know making it to the newspaper, and not only that, at the same time making it to the newspaper yourself ? With BOTH of you not knowing ? AND when both of you are best friends ? Scary.

Anyway that's all for now, Geography awaits. *AGH !*

6 over and 3 left, we've done double what we have left !

The Board Exams of 2008. 5 - French

It's strange how I have to keep looking at my previous posts to see whether it's "The Board Exams of 2008" or "Board Exams, 2008".

Today was one of the subjects I had to bid goodbye to. As much as I am glad that I'm not going to have to study the conjugations of verbs or pronouns anymore, I'm gonna miss the fun periods, the boring periods, the periods we got screamed at.

It all started in Grade 7 when my parents and I finally decided that it was better that I moved to French because Hindi wasn't going to well for me. I remember taking the beginner's class, and going to Mrs. Law for tutions, to whom I owe everything I know, and getting an astounding 97. Little did I know that the next exam would be the exact reversal of that. Well, not the next exam, but it's strange how French always goes down, not up. Third term French has often been on my Birthday, I think this is one of the few times it hasn't. I wonder what the new Birthday exam will be for me. Maybe Accounts ? I don't know. I remember having Mrs. Wafa Khaleel as our second teacher, after Mr. Abdellah, and then we had Mrs. Poonawala. I'm gonna miss all the accents, the "What iz zis, boyzs ?" and the "I veel tell Mistoor Mayoor !" and something, which I already don't remember, that the substitute teacher said to us when Mrs. Poonawala was on leave. Then there was the "I-kin" and the "You're a quoique !" Oh, and now I remember, after asking Shaun - "Bulgary" How could I forget ?

All those won't happen anymore, French is over.

I got to school ridiculously early - at 7 40, and I didn't revise much after that. I went into the hall and wrote a fairly successful paper, and came out satisfied. There were shouts of joy from both the Hindi and the French boys, I wouldn't blame them. I was overjoyed too, but then again, no more French periods. I won't stop learning French, it's an awesome language. But then again, most of it's over.

And now, finally, I can say that we've done more exams than we have left. We're almost done breaking these chains.

There and Back Again.

An ocean between us. As I Lay Dying, my first metal obsession - Dubai had the privilege of witnessing them live, but I missed. A year back, I would've done anything. I used to brood - "What if they ever come to Dubai ? How will I ever handle the excitement ?"

The excitement came, and was disappointed, and almost left. I'm holding it's tail. It won't escape me. So far away from me. My ears heard them paint harmony. My ears loved it.

The next day, I heard harmony being painted again. In front of me. Live. There. Right there. An entrance, walking through the big gate, white banner overhead, steel bars ahead. The body scanner. I didn't have any armaments. I came to watch harmony being painted, not to destroy it. Walk front. Wait. My band tied around my hand. It is still tied. Faded. Black in colour.

Main Arena. Desert Rock Festival. 8th March 2008.

Enter. Drunk people, drugged people, fun people, serious people, musical people, the music, groups of people. So many people. Walk, look around. I know that person. Music brings us all together. Find my escort - Siddhesh, he showed me around. New arena.

There's a left crowd and a right crowd. Left crowd wasn't fun. They were standing and waiting and watching and doing nothing fun. Go back around, Marky Ramone finished his set with Blitzkrieg Bop. Hey ho, let's go. Go to the right side, push your way through. I smell alcohol. I smell smoke. I smell sweat. I love it because the medley reminds me of last year. Push your way to the front. The first row is where you want to be. I'm stuck in the 5th. There's a push ! Law of rock concerts : When people push you back, find an opening and go in front. That's how you progress through rows. I'm in the second row. Someone loves Slash. I let her come in front of me, she would enjoy it more than I would. Someone loves Velvet Revolver, I let him come in front of me. Last song. Slither. Music, HEY !. Music, HEY !. Slash's brilliant improvised solo. A prayer :

"God Almighty, if it be in Your Will, please may I be in the first row for Muse."

Within the next minute or few, I was in the first row. The railing, the cold, now warm because of body heat, railing. The security guards in yellow jackets and black caps. The pushing against the barrier, the embracing of the pushing. The long wait before the band came on stage.

There was a boy in a blue shirt behind me. He loved Muse, I let him share the first row with me, and he took a couple of pictures of us and the crowd, because he was happy I let him through. It made me feel nice.

There was a blonde girl there from last year. I remember her - she had a bodyguard and three friends, the bodyguard kept pushing people, and we kept screaming at him. She was standing next to me, right next to me. Music brings us all together. She had seen Muse 4 times. This is what music does to people. Love and the adrenaline. And the music. We sang every Muse song together, except Fury. We didn't know what song it was. We knew what song was coming the moment he started his whammy/effects on the guitar. We shared a couple of conversations. Music brings us all together.

It started. And I can't describe the performance. The jumping. The singing though you can't sing. The screaming. The "Thank you Dubai", the clapping of hands. Wow.

Knights of Cydonia, Hysteria, Map of the Problematique, Fury, Time is Running Out, Butterflies and Hurricanes, Invincible, Starlight, Stockholm Syndrome, New Born, Plug in Baby, Feeling Good. What a set. The guitars of his. Wow, I can't describe it.

Then it was over. So quickly, it was over. Why so fast ? The crowd poured out. The frantic searching for picks left untaken, on the floor. For memorabilia, for ANYTHING. It was gone. Already. Memory is fresh, though. It will be fresh for long.

There and back again.

The Board Exams of 2008. 4 - Environmental Education

There are very few things that are stupid like knowing there's a very important thing about to happen, and not doing anything about it. Very few things. Or maybe more that I don't know of, but anyway, that's exactly what I did. On the 6th of March, the day before my Environmental Education exam, I didn't study.

Okay I did study, but not properly. It's weird, you know. I mean, I wanted to study, but I just couldn't concentrate ! I had this song in my head, Achilles' Last Stand by Led Zeppelin. There's this riff in the middle of the song, that is just brilliant. That kept repeating in my skull, and everytime I sat down, I would start tapping my feet in the rhythm of the song. Wow, the song's STILL stuck in my head, even when I'm listening to another song !

But that's not the reason I didn't want to study. There are many reasons actually. It was a boring subject, it was pointless, and my birthday had just gotten over, and I couldn't believe that I was going to miss As I Lay Dying :( One of my favorite bands. They're playing today. Enjoy yourself Skay. Tell Tim I love him for me. *sniff*

So anyway, the day slowly rambled on, and I ultimately finished studying my 30-chapter huge portion. I'm so happy it's over.

I woke up a little early to do a little revision, but it turned out that I woke up a little early to sleep a bit more. Anyway, I got to school and started revising. The first few minutes were good, I revised efficiently, but as the day went on, and as more people filled the Quadrangle, I started chatting more than studying.

As we received our papers for reading, I kept looking over to see if there was a question that I DID know. There were :) Actually, the whole paper on first reading was a little weird, but once I got down to writing, it wasn't that bad. It was actually quite good. And long, again. I seriously need to tell the Board to compensate the Examiners for reading my paper. I remember something funny - there were these halogen lights on either side of the Auditorium, which I'm grateful for, because they kept me awake. Some people requested the examiner to move them away, or put them off because *I don't know what*. But anyway, that's enough of that. The next exam is French, and I really, REALLY don't feel like studying. I'll probably do History or Geography or something less boring than French.

Another exam down, wow. I still can't believe I'm doing my boards.

The Boards of 208. 2 - Zenglish Bliterature and 3 - Zeconomics :D

Okay so yes it's the return of the ZB Brothers :P (I told you so)

Okay this is my plan. I'm going to start each paragraph with an 'okay' for fun :D

Okay. On the day the English Language exam got over, I totally partied because I had this weird misconception that all the board exams were over and I could waste as much time as I want. I roamed around Karama, sat on the laptop and watched half a movie. (The Curse of the Ring - It's really good) However, I did manage to finish a few short stories.

Okay I shouldn't have done that. I know. But the next day was okay, finished off a bit of stuff and only had like 4 chapters left to do. For the next day.

Okay I should have finished those, because the next day was panic ! I remember not taking a break from 3 in the afternoon to around 10 in the night. And then the only I break I had was when I answered a phonecall, but apart from that, it was terrible. I was frantically going from Sparknotes to my textbook to the workbook to my notebook trying to revise all the littlest details which I am prone to forgetting. It was worth it, because the next day, the paper was good.

I'm not starting my sentences with 'okay' anymore. So, on the next day, which was the day of the exam, I made it a point to go to school a little earlier than planned, just to revise a bit more thoroughly. The first part worked, the second - notsomuch. It's the case with all us guys. Whenever we're together, we cannot study. We HAVE to joke around and waste time. Which was what we did, until our English Teacher came and we cleared our few last minute doubts. I'm beginning to look forward to go to school and do our boards, not because I love studying (I don't) and all that jazz, but due to the tremendous amount of fun that we tend to create for ourselves to loosen the nerves. And it works pretty damn well too, because while we're doing that, we're revising. Like we'd be revising a chapter, let's say, Martyr's Corner, and we'd start accusing someone or the other of being Rama's favorite customer. Which is lame, I agree, but when you think of the person we did, you'd laugh. Not because the person's weird or anything, no, just because it's funny. Sorry, I'm totally contradicting myself.

The exam paper was good, a little long, but good. The whole while I had this obssession with drinking water and I kept asking for more. One cup, but still. I'm not even sure if it's a cup. But that one got knocked down while I was getting my extra paper signed, so I had to get a new one. I did make a few silly mistakes here and there, some VERY silly, like the very first question. They asked us where the speakers (Titinius and Messala) were speaking. It was on a part of the battlefield in Phillipi. I wrote that they were on a hill far away from Cassius' tents and whatnot. I wrote EVERYTHING except Phillipi. Oh well, can't do anything about that.

That day at home and the day after that went really fast, because I really got into my economics swing. I managed to finish the portion 4 times before the exam (proud moment) and so, I was pretty much okay with it. I still made it a point to go to school early, because there was this book of sample papers with loads of questions that we hadn't learnt. So, when I reached there, ridiculously early, I was surprised to find people there too. I went to the staffroom and called our Eco teacher out to clear my queries. I had earlier planned on glancing through every page of my textbook, just to put an idea of everything back in my head, but that plan went waste, because I spent the entire time clearing doubts. Which I am very thankful for, because one question that I had stumbled across, Giffen's goods, it wasn't a question, but I had this little itchy nagging thing about it. Sir remember that this was an important question, and he then gathered all the students around to explain it to them one last time. The question was asked in the paper.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, it was my birthday (:D) ! And at midnight, I had received my parents' gifts, and I was really happy and LOVE them. So, I kept thinking about the Creative Zen waiting for me at home, and I couldn't get that out of my head during the exam. I have a feeling I randomly wrote 'Zen' somewhere in the paper, in some random answer. Haha it would be funny, "The total expenditure of the Government has increased recently, due to many reasons: 1. Zen" I hope I didn't do that. That would just be terrible.

Anyway, the paper was actually really good, except for I think a question or two in Section B. I didn't attempt those, so I can't really say that I didn't know an answer. It wasn't nice to see that the paper was terribly long, and quite a few couldn't manage to finish. That would have been horrible for them, I feel bad. Also, there was a controversial question about the tax slabs and that's getting on my nerves, along with another silly mistake I think I made, but again, it's over now. What can I do ?

I got home and I wasted the entire day doing things like 1. sitting on the laptop, 2. sleeping, 3. talking on the phone, 4. American Idol, 5. exploring my new mp4 player :D

Oh and eating cake.

However, from today, I plan to blog on the same day as the exam, because I'm sure I'm going to forget something, and I don't want to forget anything, (that would just defeat the point of blogging) so I'm going to blog on the same day as the exam. Anyway, I desperately need to go study EVS/EVE/Environmental blah, so, this is the end of my post.

3 down, 6 to go ! (Somehow, it doesn't feel good saying that)

The Boards of 2008. 1 - Zenglish Blanguage

So. I really don't feel like writing =P I've been zapped of all my writing skills. That should explain the "Zenglish Blanguage" thing. Anyway, I woke up at 7, and I was supposed to reach school by 8. I reached by 8 20 because I had a long shower :) Unnecessary information.

Anyway, I reached school at around 8 20 and cleared a few last minute doubts (letter formats, can never get those right) and then sat and chatted and learned new big words ! :D Like umm 'fastidious' which I ended up spelling as 'fastiduous'.

It was more fun than tense, actually. I mean, instead of burying ourselves in our books and smothering the teacher with our doubts, we were sitting around and cracking the same useless jokes we do in class. Adrian was at the top of his game, with his lame, LAME jokes. We cheered quite a bit too, when a few guys walked onto the Quadrangle. Like our board topper (no guesses who) and well, no guesses for the other person either.

Walking into the auditorium wasn't as bad as I had conceived it to be, and with a Prayer, it really wasn't so terrifying. I guess that's because it was English Language (yes, I have destroyed the notorious 'ZB' Brothers. But they will be back).

The paper came.

The exam was good, my first thoughts when I read the composition topics were around 'AHH ! THEY SUCK ! WHAT DO I WRITE ?!' and then I turned to the picture composition, which I did, which was risky, as it was the first picture composition I did in my LIFE. But it was not that bad :)

I used so much white ink that it looked like I was on some anti-racism campaign, the same amount of black and white on the page. And that zapped (yes, I'm learning how to be a magician) me of my time. Time, which reminds me. I brought this watch which would NOT sit straight, neither would I, and there were two clocks on the stage. And I STILL had to rush ! Which means, I probably made some stupidly annoying mistake here and there. I STILL need to check to see whether I did make any stupid mistakes. I hope not.

Oh well, here comes Literature, and here goes nothing ! Actually, here goes loads of Caesar and his not so friendly friends, and Short Stories. And poems.

ALL of which I am SICK of. But anyway, soon, three years of portion will be gone. Gone. Like Arun when he stole the money. Except it'll be back in some form or the other.

Sigh.

The Day After Tomorrow

So, I haven't really watched the movie, but I know it's something related to an upcoming disaster. I mean I watched like half of it, at one of my birthday parties, and then we went and played football in a waterless swimming pool. Don't ask.

So. There's this disaster that people keep talking about, but not doing anything about. They say that it is dangerous, and as the movie plays, we come to see that it is dangerous.

I have my I.C.S.E. Board Exams day after tomorrow. The disaster (I hope it isn't so disasterly, however) comes.

It seems so recent, that we were all frightened by our teachers - "THIS IS YOUR BOARD YEAR !", "STUDY !" and whatnot. It seems so recent that we moved into a new classroom, moved into new, massive portions, and moved into new territory altogether.

And it's finally here. The day after tomorrow. No, I did not plan this. I mean, I planned on writing something before the boards, but not today. What a coincedence ^_^. The day after tomorrow. And there is STILL stuff in our portion that I did not know about. *Looks at the photocopy of the photocopied Economics model papers*

Soon, the papers we are writing will be the source of terror for upcoming batches. 2008 Board Paper. They'll have to write it for practice. We need to write it for our lives ! I mean, our future. Which we are so often reminded about.

WHAT DOES MUSIC HAVE TO DO WITH GROWING COTTON ?

Maybe, the quiet, soothing music that we can picture on a farm. Or the eerie music as a U.F.O. makes new crop circles.

I'm done. And I can't write. I know this is one of my worst posts. My brain = muddled.

Best of luck to me !

See You Later

Another One

Time flies so fast. It's the 1st of January again. It's another year, another reality check. We have to move on. Move forward. Plan our every move. Chess. 2007 was a treasure chest, more than a year. So many memories I want to keep in my mind, in my soul. As much as I didn't want this year to happen, it did. I'm looking forward to it too. Soon, the boards will end. Soon, there'll be freedom. Maybe, soon, there'll be a realisation of hope; a gift. At the moment, I'm listening to the second Schmizel performance. All that adrenaline, all that practice, the stage. Mazaya Centre. All of it brings back memories. A time when I could let myself go. The third Schmizel performance, I don't have the video, but I remember it, most of it. It's difficult to remember things sometimes. If only we didn't have to forget.

Previous blogpost. All those things, they're so small, some of them immaterial. But the year would be incomplete without them. Some of things that have happened are so big, the impacts they have made are gigantic.

There are many things I want to say about 2007, the pain, the sorrow, the joy, the happiness, the randomness, the laughter. Everything's a big puzzle. Each piece is required to make it complete. Each piece should fit. There are many things I want to say, but again I can't.

I guess all I can do is wait for what 2008 brings, what it will give me. What it will take from me, what it will balance out. After all, there always is an equilibrium. The equilibrium of states. Nothing comes without a relation. Every equation is independent and dependent.

2008, I am Nishant Mehrotra. I am here, and I am here to experience. Give me experiences. I am here. See me. Notice me.

It's another year. I need to learn to time travel. I need to learn to change, and accept change.

I need to learn to fly.

The Year That Was

Well, since 2007 is officially over now, except in USA and Europe and places like that, I really don't know what to say. The emotions will flow later. It's too early. Now is the time to look back and rejoice, to feel sad, to regret, and to change.

These are a few, a few of the things that I don't want to forget. Ever. They're so small, some of them, maybe most of them, yet they are so important. So important. Here goes.

Inauguration of Schmizel - 1st Gig.
The Beach
The Marching Band
Lunch Predictions
The HOSUP [Snow ((Hey Oh))]
Awaiting DDR
More Lunch Predictions
First 90 in School
The Best Birthday Party EVER
Dubai Desert Rock Switzerland/Shalaka+Vihaan's Birthday Party (which I missed)
Insignia
Run To The Hills
Aces High
The Fence
The Music Room
Dani California
In Your Face
Extra Classes
Clowns Practice
The Planes on the Ceiling
Duality
Snare Drums
Clowns Stage
Pretending to be Maiden on the Clowns Stage
Bass Bubbles
K O and his SHIT
DrumBass
Coffee in School
Cranes from Burj Dubai
Incubus Practice Show Thing
The Second Schmizel Gig
TAMAHA
Harish's Garlic
Hot Wings
New York Fries
New Boy
The Locker
Clowns
Missing School
Foundation
Tattoos
Early Canteen Breaks
Vada and Doughnuts
Fake Orange Juice
Stealing Rainbow Milk
Gravity Boy
More Lunch Predictions
Practicing in the Sun
Sheikha Fatima
Shoof
The Locker Controversy
G Piano
Moshing
Squash Court Moshing
Peg
Ditcher
S.A.L.A.D.
The Third Schmizel Gig
The Videos During Clowns
Field Football
Kicking the Ball outside School
Practicing Clowns outside the Swimming Pool
The Festival City Show
The Suspension
The Eddie Pact
Illusion
Smack
Track
The Acoustagift
Visions of the Beast
The Walks
The Cancellation of the Battle of the Bands
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The Quartet
Not Having Literature/Language Books
The Hooting
The Transfer to EIS
The 3 of Us
The Growth of SK's Hair
The 3 Day Sleepover
The White Board
Iron Maiden List
Band List
Seeing the In Flames setlist before they began
Apple Fight
MHS Cribs
Throwing Uppal in the Bin
Death of Technology
Lunch Practices for the Incubus Show
Early Morning Practices
My Coffee's on Fire
The Pen-Shattering Iron Maiden Performance (Shaun - Drums, Vocals. Nishant - Guitar, Vocals.)
The Loss of Darien's Phone
The Recovery of Darien's Phone
Rrrrrumpity Tumpity Tum
Egg Shakers/Maracas/Triangle/Tambourine
The AMRIT Song
The Rail Sliding
The IT Lab Tabs
The IT Lab Lyrics
This Love
Cheese Manakeesh
Ice Lollies
TTLS
The Music Room Window
The Basses
French Mafia Force
SK's Cheese Sandwiches
Tea Parties
The Punishments
BurJuman
Central Perk
Zabeel Park
Creek Park
FlugTag
Children's City
Special Families Support
Transformers
A Matter of Life and Death
The New Song and The Other New Song
Air Hockey
Pool
You
Second Home
The Schmexplicit Schmontent
DMS
Glenn Perry
The Clothing
Sticker Controversy
Nair
Doing the Jonathan
Rugby
Frugby
Frisbee
The Sleepless Nights
Dandiya
Nikita's House
Trisha's Party
Hey There Delilah
Apologize
Umbrella
Tokio Hotel
Muse
Lifehouse
Moody Blues
King Crimson
Anberlin
Hot Chick
Shaun Syndrome
Swimming Meet
Athletics Meet
Vegetarianism
More Lunch Productions
Shitty Chicken Curry
Designer
French Play
SFS Assembly
School Band
Diwali
I Know That You Know
Equilibrium
Felafel Sandwiches
The Bus Waits
The Gym Practices
Table Tennis
Death of a Fish
The White Christmas Tree
Aaron
FatboyNowslim
The Autographs
The Picks
The Losing of Picks
The Breaking of Strings
Tuning
Deodorant
PMI
Last Minute Practices
In Flames
Encounter Zone
Wafi
Piercings
Going Deaf
Buzzing in the Ear
Facebook
The Decline of Blogs
Topper
Sathya
Harish's Garlic
The Fights Against Wajid and Amrit
Hope
The New Thursday Scheme : House T-Shirts
City Centre
Krispy Kreme
Hot Wings
New York Fries
The Six-Sided Polygon
Maggi Noodles
The Kapil Khronicles (Putting random stuff on Kapil's desk and watching what he does with it. He kicks it behind doors, sometimes keeps them, sometimes throws it off his desk.)
Hurdles
Paan
Mr. Rodericks
Sharon Ma'am
Children's Day
Teacher's Day
Robotics
The Three Hoteteers
Sonu
Wellington
The Return to Wellington
Miles Perry
New Friends
Sleeping on the Roads
Randomness in and around SK's and Nishant's Place
Montoon
Jenny
Dandiya Dhamaka
Clowns Constumes
New Drums
Jumeirah Beach Park
Confessions
Random Jams
Shaun's Place
The 12th Graders
Delzeen's Party
Slushie
Cotton Candy Ice Cream
Crunchy Shakes
Chicken Dance
Songs
Regret
The End of 2007
The Farewell
Sleepovers
The End of Lunch Predictions
More Sleepless Nights
Tears
Flying Time
Countdown to Extinction
Broken Plans : Walkco.
Swimming Across The Sea
Keeping your Mind Occupied
Falling Down While Crossing the Road
Sharks
Prelim Preparation (Failed)
Broken Plans : The Schmizel Tour
December 31st
Another Sleepless Night
I
Will
Miss
You
2007

-------
That's all I can think of right now. This was done with Shaun, so there are things not related to me. Tell me if I've forgotten anything. Please. Bye 2007. The next post soon.
PS. This is the 50th Post of Hours.

Far

I was asleep a minute ago, in my chamber, at the back of the vessel. Oh! Miraculous vessel, the vessel that took me far away, away from the land I so dearly long for. The vessel that took me so far away from home, with no promise to take me back. As I alight from my comfortable nest, I retreat to the only window in the room, so small yet with the biggest meaning; to look for my Earth - my material alpha, my organic omega. It seems strange, even momentarily funny, that I am in the very place I thought Heaven would be. Up. I stare out of the window. I see black. Black, empty nothingness. When I crane my neck, to look at the vessel on a parallel line, I can see the words COLUMBIA printed on it. How bright they shine, though there is no light. How bright they shine, though they are black. Instead of light, all around me, like a castaway at sea with no landscape but water, I look onward to a perpetual night. Oh! Where is my sun ?

----

It seems like yesterday. Just yesterday. It seems like yesterday that I said goodbye to my mother, and told her that I would be back safe. Where was I going ? Far away, in every sense of the phrase. To space, where there is black nothingness. To Mars, where there is blank, empty, cold, nothingness. Oh! How I wish I had never said bye, but stayed on Earth, where the comfort of my mother's embrace is ever near. I promised her I would be back before her Birthday. Oh! But it seems like yesterday, so near, but I can never go back.

----

Our mission to Mars had failed. I was to explore, explore Mars, along with a team. Oh! Wonderful team! Wouldn't it have been better if we had never been a team ? But we were one, and so we had to go to Mars, away from home, my brown, ruffled, doormat. I long for my doormat.

But how could it go wrong ? Everything was checked! The foam was not supposed to come loose, it was not supposed to damage the vessel! But it did. I wish I hadn't said bye, but had stayed on Earth, away from this tangled mess that I am in now. It is more unwanted than a fisherman's birdnest. Where do I go now ? Home. What do I do know ? Wait till I get home. But home is so far away!

----

I am like the weary voyager - the one trudging on. I brave circumstances to reach the place I saw would save me. The place that would make me. Only, I am fighting to go back home. Our technical experts, what experts, were doing everything possible to get back home. Home. Where I belong, and where I long to be. I am trudging on, braving circumstances, to ensure that I have somewhere to be. At least.

----

OH NO!
There is a rope. The rope tugs.
I wish to go back home.
The rope tugs. What is the rope ?
I need to go back home.
The rope is a bridge.
I want my home.
The rope is a bridge to doom.

----

Oh! Magnificent vessel! Must thou falter now ? Is thy purpose to solely transport, but not survive ? Oh! Magnificent vessel! Must thou falter now ?

----

"We are close!" cried one of the technical experts. His voice faltered. I so desperately wanted it to be promising, powerful, dominating, assuring, but it lacked conviction.

"FAITH!" I cried.

We were nearing. I could see the blue-green-white mass that lived. I could see life in this black nothingness. Somewhere, beneath those clouds was my home, was my mother. So close! Home!

"FAITH! FAITH! FAITH!" I cried. "HOME!"

But his voice faltered. As soon as he announced our arrival into the Earth's atmosphere.

"Oh no." It squeaked. His voice was reduced to a squeak. Mouse! A squeaking mouse. Before anything could be asked, there was an explosion. No, not a physical explosion, but one that can be felt. Faith was lost. Hope and trust were lost. And as soon as these were lost, we were encompassed.

----

I look right. Fire.
I look left. Red.
I look outside the window. Down. Fire.
I look up. Amber embers.

We are burning alive.

The rope tugs.

----

Home, oh Home, you have run away from me and I cannot keep up. Doormat, you too, have you also left me forlorn ? Oh, Mother! Hold me and tell me I'm dreaming. Oh Mother, wake me up, don't let me go the way we let Father go. Oh no. Mother, please. Don't let me break my promise.

----

The rope triumphed and it was over.

----

It was over. I returned to where I came from. But before that, I did many things, yes I did.

I breathed a final time.
I blinked a final time.
I looked down at my feet. I would miss my feet. They walked with me when I was alone, ran with me when I wanted to run away.
I let a tear down my cheek. Amongst the fire, there was water.
Candle. I lit it with the fire from my mind.
Imaginary candle.

I sang Happy Birthday to my Mother. I prayed. Prayed that it would reach her.

I prayed.

It was over.
Encompassed.
Black nothingness, now red hot fire.

Now black nothingness again.

----

Oh ! Miraculous vessel, Magnificent vessel, thou hath been devoured.

And from that moment on, for ever, through eternity, the sun stopped burning.
Frozen sun.

-------------------------

*Excuse the random topic, it was meant to be a composition for English Language, but it was too long, so I put it up here. =)

Tokio Hotel

Okay well, for those few of you who haven't heard of the apparently girl-sounding, girl-looking, girly band, Tokio Hotel is NOT a girl-sounding, girl-looking (well, maybe sometimes), girly band. In fact, they're a very, VERY good band. Unique too, I can't find any bands even remotely similar to them. I mean, which band has members that listened Aerosmith and Led Zeppelin at SIX years old ? Which band was formed when they were just 12 ? Which band played gigs in bars and clubs at TWELVE YEARS OLD ? Even if you hate them to the core, you have to admit that that's just plain remarkable. I mean, 18 year old people in bands have problems, and fight, and disband after just months of playing. It takes a lot to be a band: dedication, talent, an inclination towards music, and more. It's just amazing that Tokio Hotel could do all this at just twelve years old.

They recorded and produced their first EP themselves under the band name Devilish. And yes, it was corny, but they were young, everyone's mind worked like that when they were 12. With 7 songs, and 3 of them in English, they were well on their way, composing music and producing it. In 2003, when Bill Kaulitz (the lead singer) was around 13-14, he participated in a competition called "Star Search", which he lost in the quarter finals. However, this competition was aired on TV, and this publicity was just what Tokio Hotel needed. Attracting the attention of producer Peter Hoffmann, who saw potential in this band. Along with a team of producers (David Jost, Dave Roth and Pat Benzner [who have produced bands like The Corrs and Faith Hill]), he set out and put Tokio Hotel in a studio, for recording. There was no doubt that these four had talent, and so, with a new era in their life, they changed their name from Devilish to Tokio Hotel.

Not long after, in fact, in the same year, they were signed with Sony BMG, and recorded their first single, Durch Den Monsun (Through the Monsoon, English version: Monsoon), which after being released in 2005, reached #1 in Germany, and then Austria. Their next single, Schrei (English version: Scream) reached #5, and then they debuted with an album of the same name.

And this is where inspiration comes in. At an average age of 16, they released their first album. An album. An actual album, in the actual market, with actual songs. I would do loads to do that, I mean, being on stage is my dream. Playing music, my entire life. And they did it, at 16. They inspired many, MANY people, who they didn't even know, at 16 years old.

The album, with twelve songs, written by Bill and the producers, went platinum. They later released two more singles, Rette Mich (English version: Rescue Me), and Der Letzte Tag (English version: Final Day). Both of them reached #1.

In 2007, they released another album, Zimmer 483 (Room 483), which ALSO reached #1. The singles from this album, Uebers Ende Der Welt (English version: Ready, Set, Go! [which reached #1]), Spring Nicht (English version: Don't Jump), and An Deiner Seite (Ich Bin Da) (English version: By Your Side), are fantastic songs, with amazing structure and melody. Bill's vocal lines are some of the best I have heard in ages; the lyrics are brilliant too. They then released two English albums, Scream and Room 483. The singles were Monsoon, the English version of their big break, Ready, Set, Go! and By Your Side.

Tokio Hotel received two nominations at the MTV EMAs: Best Band, and InterAct. They won InterAct. At 18 years old. They won an EMA.

At the EMAs, they played their song Monsoon, a stunning performance, with amazing technical assistance and stage antics. It was the best performance that evening, and I'm just not saying it. It's a fact.

Well, I'm sure, by now, you'll be like "Great ! Is the music any good ?" Well, actually, their music is brilliant. It's amazing. If you'd like me to give you a list of songs to download, I will. Actually, I will give you one. It will be long and tiring for you to read, but you can come here whenever you want something to download. People say that Bill sounds like a girl, which is true only to a certain extent. He doesn't sound like a girl, but his voice hadn't cracked on many of their songs, and so, his voice sounds a little babyish. People say Bill looks like a girl, but since when does looks interfere with music ? I don't mind him dressing the way he does at all, he probably has his reasons. And it isn't PROPER girly dressing, it's actually gothicish. He doesn't wear skirts and dresses and tube-tops and stuff like that.

After reading all this, I bet you're wondering what that thing at the top of the post is. Well, here goes. There are a good many fans of Tokio Hotel in Dubai, and I know it. I know it would be amazing if Tokio Hotel could come to Dubai, and we need to show Tokio Hotel that there are people here who do want them to come. It would be amazing, watching the people who inspire you, no longer pixels on a screen, but in front of you. Tokio Hotel has many fans, and this would make those fans' dreams come true. And you can make them come true, all you have to do is one small little thing. All you have to do is click on the "Demand it!" and follow through with the instructions provided, and you'll be helping a whole lot. Please do so, it would make so many people happy. Even if you don't like them, do it for us =P We'll be grateful, really. Thank you.

The list of songs. Okay, some songs have an English version, and some don't. However, all their German songs are on YouTube, with subtitles. I'm not entirely sure of which songs are available in English, but I'll give you a list with the best of what I know. The bold letters are the titles, and the other stuff is just information. Enjoy !

1. Schrei - (Tr: Scream) English version: Scream *
2. Durch Den Monsun - (Tr: Through the Monsoon) English version: Monsoon *
3. Leb die Sekunde - (Tr: Live the Second) English version: Live Every Second *
4. Rette Mich - (Tr: Rescue Me) English version: Rescue Me *
5. Freunde Bleiben - (Tr: Stay Friends) English version unavailable. *
6. Ich bin nicht Ich - (Tr: I am not Me) English version unavailable. *
7. Jung und Nicht Mehr Jugendfrei - (Tr: Young and No More Youth-Approved) English version unavailable. *
8. Der Letzte Tag - (Tr: The Final Day) English version: Final Day *
9. Unendlichkeit - (Tr: Eternity) English version unavailable.
10. Beichte - (Tr: Confessions) English version unavaiable. *
11. Schwarz - (Tr: Black) English version: Black
12. Frei Im Freien Fall - (Tr: Freely in Free Fall) English version unavailable. *
13. Hilf mir Fliegen - (Tr: Help me Fly) English version unavailable. *
14. 1000 Meere - (Tr: 1000 Seas) English version unavailable. *
15. Geh - (Tr: Go) English version unavailable.
16. Uebers Ende Der Welt - (Tr: After the End of the World) English version: Ready, Set, Go! *
17. Totgeliebt - (Tr: Dead Love) English version: Love is Dead *
18. Spring Nicht - (Tr: Don't Jump) English version: Don't Jump *
19. Heilig - (Tr: Sacred) English version: Sacred
20. Wo Sind Eure Hande - (Tr: Where are your Hands?) English version: Raise your Hands *
21. Stich Ins Gluck - (Tr: Stab in Luck) English version: On the Edge
22. Ich Brech Aus - (Tr: I Break Away) English version: Break Away *
23. Reden - (Tr: Talk) English version unavailable. *
24. Vergessene Kinder - (Tr: Forgotten Children) English version: Forgotten Children *
25. An Deiner Seite (Ich bin Da) - (Tr: By Your Side (I'm there)) English version: By Your Side *
26. In Die Nacht - (Tr: In the Night) English version unavailable. *

* Songs you MUST get.

Once you get these songs, and begin to like Tokio Hotel, as I'm sure you will, make sure you get an album or two of theirs. Tokio Hotel are a band that aspire to grow, and make more dreams come true. They need your support. And plus, it'll be authentic material for you to keep. Trust me, the albums are amazing, and if mine ever got lost, I wouldn't stay happy with the songs I have, I'd go out and buy those albums again. I mean, I got my Schrei album, and my Zimmer 483 album from FRANCE ! And I live in Dubai !! =P Either way, search and you will find =)

Phew, that was tiring but fun. Enjoy !! =D

P.S. If the gadget at the top doesn't work, http://eventful.com/performers/P0-001-000005048-4/demand

The Curtain Falls

December 21st, 2007. Happy Birthday Mom.
December 21st, 2007. Almost 10 days to 2008.

2007. What can I say ? So much has happened ! It seems so unrealistic. Sometimes I wonder how it all went by, so fast. It doesn't even feel like it's ending, it feels like there's something big waiting for me. And I don't think I can say goodbye to 2007, maybe I won't have to. I've grown to like so many things, forget so many things, recall so many things, miss so many things, make terrible mistakes, do amazing things, I recorded my first song in 2007. Schmizel played its first gig in 2007. I didn't sleep at night for the first time in 2007. Desert Rock - 2007. I've made so many great, amazing, wonderful, angelic friends. I have had to say goodbye to quite a few too. I will say goodbye to quite a few too. Things have grown within me, things I have lost have been found. Things I have found have been lost, and lots of other things have begun. When I begin to think of how much has happened this year, I am lost in nostalgia. There is a whole web of events, linking themselves to each other, and I wonder. If something hadn't happened, something so small. Like the SKARDENS. If that hadn't happened, no Schmizel. Like this, there are many things that I am so lucky to have.

I don't think it is right to continue, to recall EVERY single moment in 2007 as of now, it hasn't ended. There are still almost 10 days left, and as far as I know, 10 days is a long time. Mistakes can be corrected, promises can be made. I will make a list of events and the smallest things soon, but not today. Today, I study.

If I can.

10 days left. Then 365.25 days are gone.

Personal message: "It'll all be okay" - anon. Well, that anon is a very integral part of my life, and that anon hasn't said it to me yet, but I'm going to try and believe it.

Breeze

There are approximately 85 candles, arranged not so neatly in wooden rows. They are indoors, but a window, distant, yet dangerous, is open. It is far away, you can't see it, but it is open. There is a breeze blowing. It is cold and hard, it is like an ice-dagger. It is sharp, and it can cut through flesh, it can rip existence apart. It is cold.

A man, in a brown waistcoat, is in a rush. He wears a black top hat, a tie, shirt and pant, he is in a rush. He will miss an important meeting unless he hurries. He hurries. He brushes past the candles, he doesn't notice them, or how important they are, he just walks by, and it is tragic. 7 candles are blown out. His waistcoat brought about a gust of wind, and it extinguished seven candles. Seven flames are reduced to ashes and wax.

78 candles left burning, not too bad. They are burning away. Here and there, the wick of a few candles is reduced to wisps, and the candles are wasted. But that doesn't stop the others from burning. No, they burn on with full vigour, some flames reaching tremendous heights, some just embers, like babies, like thoughts that long to be turned into actions. The big, monstrous flames are dangerous. Very, and one was so intense that it burnt the entire candle, and a few around it too. Slowly, the candles grew weary of burning, and they just would not, just would not any longer.

61 candles. They are strong. They are not strong enough. A gentle breeze sifts through the air, a disturbance of some sort, to some extent a predator, to some extent a blessing. The man who so unknowingly killed a few candles is relieved, the breeze brushing his face, he will be on time. The candles on the wooden shelves, burning here and there, were a plinth for their dancing flames. The breeze was not satisfied. It blew its way to the candle stand, and waited there, until the fear of the candles was sensed. Then, it blew across the entire right side of the shelf, extinguishing all those candles, including a few in the centre and centre-bottom-left. Murderer.

28 candles. Scared, but they are the strongest of the lot. What dangers awaited them ? They did not know, we do not know. We shall soon find out. The window, the menacing, grim, grinning window. The rascal. It widens its mouth, bares its teeth, and blows with all its might. A purple wind blows through the window. Oh, and it is not an opaque purple, so we cannot see it; it is transparent. It blows through the window, the menacing, grim, grinning window, straight to our candles, and tugs, it does not blow, no, it tugs away their light. The candles fight.

The candles fight, the flames they dance in a defensive mode, they dodge the wind, the wind lunges for an attack but misses. The candles are brave. However, they are not so brave as to withstand the might of the wind. It blows, and one by one, the candles succumb. Not all, no.

There is one, on the top left corner, it is glowing bright, it overcame its battle with the wind. It glows brighter than all the candles put together, yet it is not bright enough. The night is dark.

----

A kindly man walks by, and he sees the burning candle, the sole survivor. He wonders what he can do with it, and he wonders why it is the only one shining. He doesn't receive an answer, however, he decides to do something. He picks up the candle, the sole survivor, and places it gently, taps each other candle twice on the wick, and leaves.

He re-lit all the other candles, with the one glowing ember. The battle has been won.

The night is light. The night is bright. It is illuminated. The room is elucidated.

One candle, just one, burned on.

Animusic

Okay Siddhesh came over and made me listen to this thing. And watch. And its mindblowing. And its so DAMN creative. And Wayne Lytle and David Crognale (the creators) have SO much talent. You should watch these:

Resonant Chamber (My Personal Favorite)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=l1hqF9nqabQ&feature=related

Future Retro (Most Catchy)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=fd3LwxCzuGY&feature=related

Acoustic Curves
http://youtube.com/watch?v=cCGvbZdCVFE&feature=related

If you notice, the mechanical arms are playing the exact notes a proper instrumentalist would play. Which means the creators knew how to play ALL those instruments, perfectly. Also, they composed all those songs themselves. Half of the most recognized bands in the world can't come close to these masterpieces. I mean, just look at the precision, the melody, the talent. Seriously, this thing is mindblowing. There are many more, I'll leave them to be discovered by you yourself. And enjoy, I'm sure you will.

Alexithymia

Apart from that glimmering hope, there is nothing there that I could possibly see would determine my happiness. That hope, and that Faith, and that dream. Who can tell what tomorrow will bring ? Who can tell if tomorrow will come ? But I see it in your eyes... all the answers. No, not in person. No, I'm too scared.

There are so many things I want to tell you. But I can't, you see. I'm already at the end of the world. The edge. There are songs I want to sing. There is music I want to make. There are many skies above me. I will cross them all to get to you. There is distance, and there are thorns. There is time, and there is void. My void is not empty anymore. I can see you. You're there, in my mind. There is colour around me. There is passion within me. And there is a fusion of hope, and dreams, and answers, that I seek.

There is only time. I can't say what I want to say. The tunnel is narrowing. You're so far away from me. I doubt the distance will ever get reduced.. I wish. But I've given up on most of my wishes.. they're discarded.

Il fait froid. Je faut aller mais je ne veux rien sauf des temps avec vous. Il est vider. Il fait froid.

Silent Partner

I am walking alone. It is difficult.

The sun is cold. The moon is cold. I am cold. It is summer but I am cold.

There is one image in my head, and I cannot get it out, and I do not want to get it out, and I won't get it out. It is the most beautiful image. I don't feel okay.

There is a furore in my mind, a revolt. Always, I am wrong. I have no space.

I am walking alone. There's someone there with me, but I am alone. You are with me, yet you are not near me.

You will always be with me.

I am walking alone. It is difficult. Alone I await the storm.

You will always be with me.

Alone I await the storm.

I am walking alone.

Durch die Unendlichkeit.

Farthest Apart.

I want you to read this one day. Perhaps, I want you to want to read this someday. But you would never know how, or that this even existed. Maybe this didn't really exist.

*----*

I am a man who waits a lot.
I wait for you.
Don't wait for me.

Sometimes, I say things I don't want to.
Those times, those times I hope, I hope that you can really hear what I want to say.
It's like I speak a different language.
A language of opposites.
I'm okay. I'm not okay.

Don't wait for me. Wait for me.

Sometimes I wish the image I see in the looking glass was clay.
To mould it into what would fit your heart.
There is a thread and it will break.
The thread of my sanity.

Can you feel the famine raging in my heart ?
The roar of denial, splitting asunder my very own hope ?
And then I, like the fool you see, put the pieces back together.
Can you see my riven wish ?

What more must I give ? I'll give with just enough room for a spontaneous second thought.
There is care I wish from you.
There is care. That I wish you'd give.

This is no language of opposites. I have hidden it away like I hide away the words that I wish to convey but don't matter; this is a language of truth: I wish for some acceptance. Some capsule of belonging, some collision of beliefs.

Wait. What is this I see ?

A splintered destination. Awaiting me.

Love (English Language Assessment)

Love is an emotion. It is an emotion, a cocktail of feelings, bittersweet, hard, melancholic, and yet it is the best thing that ever happened to this world that we inhabit. Unfortunately, our world is love deprived.

Love is the only thing that is worth remembering. Of all the emotions that have been bestowed upon us, it is the one with the most impediments, the most boulders, blocking the road to achievement. It is one, and the only one, that teaches us to forgive, respect, be benevolent, and most of all, to live.

For it is by loving that we truly live.

There is nothing quite like love, for it imposes upon us periods of melancholy, and periods of paramount ecstasy, and at the end of it all, we learn, and we grow, from love.

But there is no end, when love is always beginning.

Love is the teacher. And love teaches us, by way of reality, that there is no limit imposed on goodness.

I fell in love. And every time I talk to her, I respect her all over again, more than I did before. There is a tidal wave of satisfaction, when you learn to respect. Love teaches you to gaze upon the incandescent light that is emitted from each one of us. It is through love that we see the invisible.

Love teaches us to be strong. It is the ultimate test of strength. Love comes in a very deadly disguise; love wears this disguise not seldom. Love puts on its veil, a veil that scorches the heart and soul. It is called unrequited love.

Unrequited love can kill. It is love that can not be returned. Thus, the irony of perfection. It is an equation that always sums up to pain, to agony, to desparity, to distress, to hope.

Love teaches us to hope.

And this is the greatest gift of love. It comes, free of any price, and puts a star in a blank sky. The stars in the sky are a guiding light. They symbolize hope.

They instil in you a longing, that maybe the heart's tortured song will be heard, and when it is, its love will be returned. It is then, in that person's eyes, that the stars shine brightest, an incandescent light, illuminating the path around the impediments, the stones, balancing the equations, destroying the depression, the sorrow, and filling the deepest, darkest gorges of the heart. For it is by loving that we truly live.

Unfortunately, in this world, the world that we inhabit, love died a long time ago.

However, love's greatest gift is hope. And I fell in love.

There is hope yet.

Faceless

I am an invisible man.

I have dreams, and hopes, and wishes, just like any other. But I am not ordinary, no; I am invisible. I can't see myself; the images I see are contorted and distorted and blurry and hoary. I awoke in a grave. I planted my own tombstone in the rich soil that would have been my bed. I awoke into a reality without reason, an existence without care. I am a blind, invisible man. I am mute, I am silent. No-one can see me, but I am there. I am the man with a bleeding heart. I am the man without a face.

I am the man without a face.

I am the blind, invisible man, but I am watching you. I can see you though I don't have eyes. I am right there. I am the wisp of smoke that you kick up when you walk. I am the wind that rustles your hair. Open your eyes, focus your sight, can't you see the invisible man? Can't you see me?

I am the fear that you feel at night, with the lights off, and the curtains closed. I am the incandescent light that shines through your window in the morning. Can you see me now? The man without a face? I'm watching you. Can you see me now? The man without a face? I'm watching you.

It is me who opens those creaking doors while you're asleep. I am the whistling in the wind. It is my breath that freezes your spine. I am the shadow that you think had moved. I am the footsteps in the quiet. I am the man without a face, without eyes. Can you see me now? I'm right beside you.

Oh, how I long to see, to breathe, to speak again! I wish I were you. No, I must be who I am, and yet I am nothing at all. I am no-one. I am fighting a war within myself. A civil war: Nightmares versus dreams. And the nightmares are winning. I do not know where I'm supposed to be. Am I supposed to go somewhere? There has to be some reason for my blindness. For my invisibility.

I was once ordinary, like you, a person, a person who could see more than just darkness. I used to go to the forest before, the trees were my refuge; I, the seeker. I can't find it anymore. Is it gone? Or am I gone?

The forest has to be there, somewhere. My memories still are, so it can't be gone, right? I remember the clearing; I used to sit there with you. In the stillness of the glade, under the pale reflection of the moonlight. Don't you remember? You said you loved me too.

Then, I was destroyed. In the forest. My forest. You were there. Don't you remember? Something made me this pallet of emptiness. Don't you remember? Come, come with me, to the forest. Help me find it. Please.

Hear me now. Look at me now. Can't you feel me? Can't you hear the whistling? Can't you see the dust from your feet? It's cold, isn't it? You can feel my icy fingertips, can't you? You can see the trees bowing down to me. My trees. I'm right behind you. Don't look around. I'm calling your name, though I'm not speaking. Can't you hear it in the wind?

Stop. Turn around. Look at me. You can see your shadow dancing, can't you? Come, follow me, I have found the forest. I can feel the leaves. I can feel the scent of the mud, so familiar. Don't you remember? Come, come to the clearing. I wish to show you something. Come, come. This is the spot we first met, remember? I was playing hide and seek and I got lost. Then, you found me. But this is not the thing I want to show you, no, no, come follow me.

Can't you hear the wind growing stronger? Can't you feel it getting colder? Can't you see the gathering dust? Can't you feel the icy fingers? Now, open your eyes, properly. Open them. Now.

-------

This is my home. Tell me what you see. Can't see? Better yet, I'll tell you. There are more of me. Look around, you can see, I can't. Look, there are thousands. I am not the only one. Didn't you feel it getting colder? There were more fingers holding on to you. Didn't you feel the wind getting louder? There were more calling out your name. Can you hear me now? Can you see me now? I know you can. For you have become just like me. We have played and lost. You and I have become the epitome of childhood fears. We have become the very thing we fought. You will soon know what it feels like to be me. We are ghosts.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. We are the invisible people. We cannot see, we cannot hear, we cannot speak.

We are faceless. This cadence is your disaster.

Chapter I

Illusions.

The smart man said that it is well-advised to begin a story at the start. The wise man said that it isn't foolish to begin a story at the end.

However, I am neither smart, nor am I wise (and between the two lies a great difference), so I will set off on my journey; it is a journey because I don't know where I am going, and I don't know what impediments are scattered on the path, what clouds shield the sun, what rain hampers the trek, I do not know them. So I will set off on my journey, from the middle.

The middle, as I would like to imagine, is not always the easiest part, neither is it the toughest, nor is it in between. In fact, I am only imagining the middle, for it has not yet begun. I do not know when it will begin, nor do I know when it will begin to end, but I do know that it will begin someday. I am not exactly looking forward to that day. But I am not looking forward to remain where I am.

Indeed, I am in a very sticky situation, and I don't even know where the right path is. It is a series of roads that loom before me, I can see each one of them so clearly, but when I look at all of them, I see a big mess. Some roads are snowed in, some roads are clear, some roads are uneven, some have a gentle slope. But all the roads are somehow tangled up, some lead into another, and those lead to a dead end. It is all very confusing, a very sticky situation. Such is the path of life.

There is a barrier in front of me. I have to pass it to walk onto the first road. I have already crossed a few roads, they are behind me now. But the memories of them are vivid in my memory, they are there, imprinted, just like great people leave their footsteps behind after they move on. Except this is vague. The memories are there, but I can't seem to draw them out. It's like a disfunctional well.

Let me tell you where I am. There is a barrier in front of me. Let me tell you what the barrier is. I don't know how it got there. But I can guess. I'm not so sure of what it is, either. But let me tell you what I think it is. It is an illusion. I swear I can see through it sometimes. I swear, but other times, it just blocks everything out. It makes insignificant things seem important. Things like what I should be doing and where I should be going. When I do those things, this illusion blocks out what really matters.

I do not know how to get past this barrier. This is my failure.

I made a choice. I used to have so many things and I let go of them, disregarding their true worth. I was too blind to see. I was blinded by illusions, different from these. And I made a choice. I would hold on to what mattered.

At the stage I am at, there is a barrier in front of me. It is no spectacle, it is a shameful thing. You see, there is something. And I want to hold on to it.

I want to hold on to it.

This illusion makes everything so slippery. It's like, I can't remember how I should be feeling, I can't remember what emotions should be drifting through me. I mean, I know what I should be feeling. But I don't know why, or how, but it's gone. I mean, it isn't gone, it's there. But I can't feel it. I mean, I can, but not as much as I should, not as often as I should, as I did.

You see, I am a man, and disaster struck when I was a boy.

I am breaking down this barrier. It will make everything much better. I will take the first road, I will take the second road. But first, I have to break down this barrier, this monstrous illusion.

For you see, disaster struck when I was a boy.

And I miss me.

Thoughts

Here I am.

Peculiarly, I am not where I imagined I would be. It is dark. I am stuck. I am wedged between two walls. My nose pressed against one, my back against the the other. I am standing on a platform of sorts, a pedestal. I am unable to move, because the plinth is microscopic, big enough to only support my two feet.

There are whooshing sounds, like a man frantically swiping the curtains open to see the sun.

On either side of the footstall, there is space. Oddly enough, neither the base nor the walls are supported by anything.

If I move, I fall.

Due to my uncomfortable restrictions, I am forced to think.

My first thought?

"Damn, I'm cramping up."

It didn't help. So, I began to think. Properly.

The first thought, that classified as a thought, that came to me was that I had wasted a lot of time. On petty things. On insignificant things. On material things. On superficial things. Time deserves to be spent on other things. Things that mattered. I will stop saying 'things'.

It hadn't occurred to me, that what did matter, came for free. I had everything that I should have wished for. I had spotted the tiny errors without seeing how beautiful the actual painting was. I replaced what I didn't have, with what I could get; not knowing that it could never be substituted.

Let me put it in the form of an example. A simple one. I wanted water. I drank mud.

The thing that bothered me most was, I did not know what I wanted.

Now I do. They are things that are invisible, but can be seen. They emit a glowing light. You know what it is when you have them.

Love. Respect. Family. Peace. Hope. Joy. Religion.

I have named a few, but there are many, many more. I am not in a position to list. I am a human sandwich.

Thought number two: What was I doing here?

Was I really anywhere? I was probably dreaming a silly old dream, lying in my bed, oblivious to what was happening around me. Did I really need to be anywhere? After all, I only had a few things left to hope for. My life was a concotion of good and bad. "Just like everyone else's", I said to myself. But I knew that I wasliving for something, a few things, maybe.

The thought that followed: Where did I want to be?

The immediate reply. It came without a second's hesitation. "Out of here".

However, I knew that was not where I wanted to be. I wanted to be somewhere, where I knew my presence would be felt. And I knew there was only one road that I had, that would take me there.

Music.

As soon as I thought that, a parallel road was elucidated. It was there all along. Righteousness.

It dawned upon me. And as it did, the sun in the place I was in also ascended.

There was no success without good.

Thought number four: I know what I want to be. I know where I want to be.

I want to give kindness. I want to show everyone the right path. I want to make the world a better place. I want this love to go on forever. I want to be on stage, and spread the right message through music. I want to teach people.

But first, I would have to learn.

And then, the walls fell. I could move. A road was illuminated, it was tempting. But I did not take it.

I fell.

I knew I made the right decision.

I knew I made the right decision, because, the next day, I awoke in my bed.

I got on my feet, and set out to change the world.

Look at me.

"She stood apart from moral interests, yet close beside them, like a ghost that revisits the familiar fireside and can no longer make itself seen or felt, no more smile with the household joy, nor mourn with the kindred sorrow; or, should it succeed in manifesting its forbidden sympathy, awakening only terror and horrible repugnance."

There are times when I feel like a ghost.

I don't entirely know, but a little part somewhere in my soul, or mind, pokes me with that dreaded sense of invisibility. Or maybe it is an embedded part of reality, maybe I really am invisible; invisible to someone.

How do I know if I can be seen? What if all I'm hearing, hearing you speak, seeing you speak, what if that's all just a mere art of illusion, what if all I'm seeing is actually what I'm imagining, not really existing at all?

What if I wish to be seen. What if you can't see me? What if I'm really a ghost, an old memory, faded out of the material world, now only a lingering spirit, seeing only tantalizing memories, which are decepting mirages of the truth? What if the truth is really a bland cocktail of matters that I don't know of? What if those matters don't concern me at all? Am I really gone? Or am I still here, as tangible as you?

Or has tangibility died too?

Can you really see me? Do you even know who I am? Am I just a ghost?

Ghosts scare people. Do I scare you? Do you get provoked by my sudden interference, my sudden confessions, my unrealistic statements? Do I make you run away? Am I just a disappearing act, coming and going when I please, vanishing leaving you baffled, baffled and confused, confused, dazed and mystified?

Am I really there?

Can you really hear me? Can you read what I'm writing? Or is it all futile, am I imagining you replying? Do I really know what you're really saying? Or is it just a dream playing in my head?

Do you know what I feel? Do I feel at all? Is there really me? Or am I some disembodied spirit, just watching you, wishing, and waiting?

The Untitled Song

There are times when words don't mean anything except what they look like, just little strings of black twisted into shapes, illegible to the heart because it is not the language it speaks. There are times when all the heart longs for is a few more minutes. Just a few more minutes to hold on to what it really can understand. But even then, even in one of the few times it can long for something to hope for, a bitter, burning wave, just engulfs it in denial. Nothing is for free. No love, no hope, no dream comes without a cost of pain. It is then that the heart screams in agony, but no-one can hear it. It is not the language they speak.

That's when the heart longs to cry, but all that's left in the shallow pool of reality is dry, dry skin. When you open your mouth to speak, your speech is silence. No-one understands that, except the heart you are longing for. Again, that never comes without a price, and more often than not, it doesn't come at all.

----

I wish she would look for me the way I look for her. I wish she would smile when she happen to see me, the way I smile when I see her. Except the smile isn't really a smile at all. It's an illusion that pain creates.

----

The heart is a very vital organ of the body.

When the heart longs for something, and holds it so dearly, but doesn't get it, it begins to experience pain. Therefore, it is natural, that the mind and soul get affected by the pain the heart feels. There is no way the heart can get rid of that pain, no-one understands what it is trying to say. No-one except for what it longs for.

And nothing comes without a price. More often than not, it doesn't come at all.

----

I wish she would search for love songs, the way I search for love songs. I wish she would think of me at night, the way I cry myself to sleep thinking of her.

----

While the heart screams in pain, at the irony of perfection, that nothing perfect could ever be gained, no-one can hear it, because no-one can understand what it is saying. However much it screams, it shouts, crying to be heard, to be understood, no-one ever listens. So it sings a silent song, its song the only true melody in the world. What a shame, that no-one can hear it, to be inspired.

----

I wish she would miss me the way I miss her, every second I don't speak to her. I wish she would feel jealous every time someone called me the way I do when it happens to her. I wish she would want to be with me when others are, the way I do. I wish she would see my face behind every window, behind every door, the way I see hers.

----

I wish her heart would sing the same untitled song mine would, so that finally, it would know that someone can understand it. The sense of relief that would calm it, to let it know someone was listening to its screams, its beckonings that no-one would listen to. I wish she would notice me the way I notice her. I wish she would look in the crowd for me, the way I look for her. I wish she would feel the way I feel for her.

I wish she would love me the way I love her.

But nothing comes without a price. More often than not, it doesn't come at all.

Colours describe emotions. And it is the best way to convey our feelings without saying a word.

It was a long day, I, waking up very early to make it to my morning summer camp, Insportz, for four hours of sports. Naturally, upon returning home, I was tired, and aching from cramps and muscle pulls all over my body. I wasn't in a very good mood. I didn't know that was all about to change a few hours later.

I glanced at my SFS schedule, and noticed that today was an outing, to The Jam Jar.

Realising that if I was to make it on time, I would have to leave earlier, I hurried my lunch and shower and got ready to leave.

When I reached The Jam Jar, the bus with all the children had just arrived, and I noticed the expressions on all their faces. They were beaming with happiness, they were looking forward to this day.

As we entered, we were given instructions from the authorities, and very silently followed them. We were told of the plastic containers we would use as palettes, the brushes of assorted sizes, and the three rows of acrylic paints we were entitled to use.

We were given descriptions of what the children wanted to paint, their imaginations exceeding ours, and we continuously flocked to the supplies to make sure the children had a variety of colours to choose from. As we watched the children patiently, gently answering their doubts, or retrieving colours for them, we watched universes unfold.

There is talent in every one of them. And as the day rolled on, the colours described emotions, the yellow in the sun, the green in the grass, the smile on their faces. The bursts of happiness when they stopped painting to observe what they had created, masterpieces.

There is talent in every one of them. And as they neared completion of their works, they noticed that there was more than colour to their canvases. There was talent, there was joy, there was happiness, there was satisfaction. They knew they could do it, and they did it.

It is not what sets them apart from us, it is what sets us apart from them. They can do everything we can, but they don't have the opportunities to. Whereas, when we can do a lot, we usually dispose of the opportunities, and find contentment in other things.

There is love in them. They have learned to love through pain. If one of us more fortunate people were subjected to pain through love, we would give up, almost as quick as reflex.

You see, we cannot say they are less fortunate than us. We have most of the physical world.

They have most of the emotions.

Colours describe emotions. And today, at The Jam Jar, sugar never tasted so sweet.

Just Thinking

If a thread is torn apart, it can't be the way it was, no matter the quantity and quality of glue.

There are more chances of it breaking again.

It doesn't seem quite right, and that's how I feel.

Because soon, there will be a massive pull on the thread. It might break, might not. It just depends on how much I (we) hang on to it.

I mean a thread is so useful.
It can tie things, bind things, connect things.

And what if it breaks?

It could just fall to the floor, and get swept into some foreign dustbin...

The Evil That Men Do - Now by Dale Rozario and Nishant Mehrotra

So we decided to make a video for Shoof, and submitted this one.

However, we didn't get in. Anyway, it was worth it. I enjoyed it, and I like the outcome. It's up to you to judge now.

Sweet Harmony

So I strum a chord, so I play a melody.

And there's a sensation that runs through me, like I just woke up from a very long sleep, fresh after a long night. And I run, run into fields of yellow, under a blue sky. And there's the sound of harmony encompassing me in a shield. Nothing can touch me, nothing affects me. I'm who I am, and who I want to be. There are no fears, there is not hate. There is no fatigue. And I run endlessly, run into feilds of red, under a blue sky. There's the ocean in front of me, so I run.

Run.

No roads, no paths, no obstacles. Just an open world. I run into the lair of the fairies, where they dance and sing and jump. I see the elves under their mushroom houses, I see the gnomes in their garden parties. I see the trees as they make way for me to run.

The flowers, purple in fields of green, under a blue sky, swaying, swaying under the gentle breeze that brushes past my face.

And the harmony is ringing in my ears, soothing, and then it turns dissonant.

The sky turns grey, there's darkness everywhere. I cannot see. The flowers are wilting, the fairies are crying. The elves are running for shelter, the gnomes are screaming in fear. There, a flash. I turn, but I cannot see. Another flash behind me, I turn around, but I do not know that I turned around, because I cannot see. Maybe I'm standing in the same place. Then the flash, it erupts through me, a sensation that runs through me, like I just woke up from a very long sleep, fresh after a long night. And I run.

Run with harmony, harmony's hand in my hand.

Respect

Today wasn't the first time we crossed the line.

Today wasn't the first time we crossed the line.

Today wasn't the first time we crossed the line.

It wasn't.

I'm responsible for it. And everyone else is responsible for it.
We are not the only humans in this world. We are not the only ones who have feelings. We are not the only ones who get hurt. There are others too. People who loom in front of you and look like tyrants.

They are your mentors. You get your future from them.

I think it's time all of us. That includes EVERY single one of us, whether you mock, or hate. I think it's time for every single one of us to look back and look at the people we were. I think it's time for every single one of us to change what they see.

When?

It was so long ago; three years. And now the day has come, and gone. I never thought it would. When two people click, and are then forced to separate, it tears. Tears. Just like ripping a part of your body out. When they are stuck together, your finger to your palm, and you just rip it out. It hurts. It tears. And there's nothing we can do about it. I wish I could, so much. But theres nothing. My eyes aren't water retentive. And my heart isn't pain retentive. I wish they were, so much. Why does a relationship have to have its ends? I mean, couldn't it just go on, the laughter, the silence. But why the tears? Why the pain? I wish there was something any one of us could do. I wish there was something any of us could do.

How long is this longest day?

Switzerland

Since pictures speak a thousand words, or so the cliche goes.

NOTE: All these images were taken from a train window, so sorry for the bluriness.