Well, I think I need constructive criticism on this one. I think I feel it sucks. So with your help, I can make it better. Please?
-------
I looked for meaning.
I found tragedy.
Behind these lines of ignorance
Lies the hate and malice you breed.
An incomplete sigh.
I arched in trust.
And I don't deplore.
Be steady,
And prepare yourself for war.
Contort your disbelief.
Soak the walls with your spite, not me.
A concealed storm.
Everyday.
We fight.
-------
Yes, it does suck. But whatever, I need your constructive criticism.
PLEASE.
EDITED: I have taken various criticisms, and turned the poem into what I think would fit the meaning I had in mind.
----
In shadowed iniquity.
An incandescent light.
Encompassed in menace.
A diffusion of white.
Seek a meaning.
A determined tragedy.
Behind these lines of ignorance
Lies the malice they breed.
Arch in trust.
But don't deplore.
Work with sincere truth.
Be steady,
Be firm,
And prepare yourself for war.
Contort your disbelief.
Soak the walls with your spite, not me.
And sheath your swords,
Dawn hasn't broken.
A concealed storm.
Everyday.
We fight.
An incomplete sigh.
Earthed in the mud of promise.
Ordinary
11 years ago
8 comments:
heylo!
No, it does not suck. It's very good - *low self - esteem*. I like it!!! It's wonderful! I wanna see more...!! waiting for more..byee!
u always seem unsatisfied with ur work wich is important as it helps u grow n do better the next time...the poem was simple but meaninful...im not gonna smother u with flattery cuz i noe there r others who wud tat for me, not tat i tink u dun deserve it :p...the poem was short n i felt somewhat incomplete...but otherwise it deserves some credit wich obvisiouly goes to the talentd poet...
nice...bt as reshma said the end is kind off incomplete..Othawise i like it..Very meanigful...Nd as ive always told u..I luvvv Da way u write..I wish i cud hav that in me...
Trisha!
Very nice post!! How do u rite stuff like that??????? Ur very talented....
Hey Nishant!!
Well, WHY THE HELL DO YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT YOUR WORK SUCKS??!!!
It so does NOT suck..its an AMAZING poem but like Resh said..it does seem kinda incomplete!!
But hey...atleast ur "writers block" isn't blocking you anymore!!
[does that make sense:s:s]
Anyway...just keep writing and never stop cuz you write really
well & if you dont believe it there are loads of us who read your work n think its amazing!!
- Sonia :D
Don't be so self critical!
I liked the "Contort your disbelief" line...the "lies and hate your malice breed" reminded me of your email Id =P
The last line was eloquent and you've used great expressions. As reshma said it should be a bit longer....other than that I think it's among the best stuff you've written!
HEYY!!!!....the edited version is way better!!!
Nishant...never give up writing...its you talent!!
- Sonia
Wow!!Edited version is way way better..!..
Amazin!
No wordz to describe it..
Writin is ur talent..I agree
Trisha..
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